Hopes and Fears
by AlexaC
Summary: When another clumsy moment brings Bella to the hospital, Carlisle picks up on her fears about the future and dazzles her into talking about it. One Shot set during Eclipse. BPoV. ExB- Canon Pairings.


_This is the first thing I've written for Twilight and the first thing I've written at all for a very long time so I'd appreciate any feedback you can give me._

*~*

Another day, another stupid accident. I, in all my clumsy uncoordinated glory, had tripped over absolutely nothing and reflexively put my hand out of stop my face hitting the pavement. It's the kind of thing I do all the time, nothing new about it except I had my right hand had hit the pavement with some force and now the knuckle I had broken a couple of days previously was throbbing worse than ever before.

I had been so preoccupied, thinking about graduation and what that meant. I had been thinking so hard of my agreement with Carlisle, the fact that after graduation he would make me an immortal, that I hadn't been paying enough attention to where I was walking and had paid for my distraction. Now it was truly upon me, the thought of saying goodbye to Charlie and Renee and so much of my life was proving harder to accept than I had thought. It had always been somehow theoretical, graduation had seemed so far away and now it wasn't anymore.

I scrambled back to my feet, ignoring the barely disguised laughs of the people who had witnessed my fall. Almost as soon as I was back on my feet, I realised I needed Carlisle to look at my hand again. I also knew as soon as I decided that, that Alice would see it, I only hoped I could put her off calling Edward to tell him, he was hunting with Emmett and Jasper and not only did I not want to interrupt their hunt, I didn't need him to hover protectively over me.

I had the cell phone Edward had given me for emergencies, I immediately dialled Alice's number and she quickly picked up.

"Is there anything you can't trip over?" she asked, amusement in her voice. She had obviously seen my less that graceful tumble.

"You haven't already told Edward about this, have you?" I asked, tension clear in my voice.

"Not yet but do you not think he needs to know? I saw you've decided to see Carlisle. He's at the hospital by the way, he's not very busy at the moment," she added helpfully.

"It's nothing, Alice. It's just my hand, I already did the damage punching Jacob."

"Are you sure, Bella? He won't be very happy with me when he finds out," she said, I wondered if she could see his reaction already.

"I'm sure. But what about me, I let you paint my toenails?" I was low on bargaining tools when it came to Alice but I used what I had. "There's nothing really wrong, Carlisle can look at it, I will tell Edward myself when they get back."

"Fine," she agreed reluctantly, but there was a caveat. Of course there was. "But you owe me a manicure _and_ a pedicure, your nails will be perfect for graduation."

"I might have one hand in a cast if I've made it much worse," I grumbled, I really didn't want a cast.

"All the more reason to have good nails to go with it," she said, as though that should be obvious to me. I just sighed down the phone, my hand throbbed and I wanted nothing more than an ice pack, or the cold fingers of a vampire to numb the pain slightly.

"Fine, whatever you want Alice, just don't tell Edward," I agreed, the pain coming through as irritation in my tone.

"Okay. Do you want me to call Carlisle, tell him you're on your way?" she asked, picking up on the pain in my voice.

"No, I'm not far from the hospital. There's no need to call."

"If you're sure," she said, obviously slightly dubious.

"I am," I said, hoping that she would accept that.

"Okay. I'll see you later, Bella."

"Thanks, Alice," I said before hanging up the phone and sliding it back into my pocket. Thankfully, I was within walking distance of the hospital and had already started to head there while I had been talking to Alice.

I walked into the ER and up to the admission desk, the woman smiled slightly at me as I approached, it looked to be a slow day.

"Is Dr Cullen available?" I asked, already knowing the answer from the conversation I had had with Alice.

"I can find out for you, can I take your name and then I can let him know that you're here?"

"Bella Swan," I said and there was a flash of recognition in her face, she obviously knew of me or certainly Charlie.

"Take a seat, Bella. I'll let Dr Cullen know you're here."

"Thank you," I said before sitting on one of the hard, plastic chairs, cradling my throbbing hand against my chest. I could see it swelling again around the previously broken knuckle, I sighed deeply and leant back and closed my eyes against the pain.

I heard the whisper of someone approach, knowing it was Carlisle, only a vampire could approach with so little noise. I opened my eyes and looked at him, smiling slightly in greeting, he looked back at me with some concern, I could see him quickly assessing me for injuries.

"Bella, what happened? Your hand again?" he asked, looking at the way I protected it against my chest.

"I tripped," I said, as though that explained everything.

"Come on, let's have a look," he said, totally unsurprised that I had injured myself again. I stood and followed him into a small treatment room, I sat on the gurney, looking slightly sheepish.

"I'm sorry for bothering you like this," I said, quietly, knowing he would still be able to hear me.

"There's nothing to apologise for Bella. So what happened?"

"I tripped and put my hand out to stop myself. Stupid reflex," I muttered, making Carlisle laugh slightly.

He gently took my hand and removed the brace he had fitted a few days previously, his cold fingers offering some relief from the pain, he seemed to notice my reaction to his touch and smiled again.

"Who needs ice packs when you've got a vampire?" he asked.

I laughed but when he gently pressed against the knuckle I couldn't help wincing and sucking my breath in.

"Sorry," he apologised. "I'll need to get another X-Ray of this hand, see if you've done any more damage and we can take it from there. If there is much more damage, you will need a cast. Sorry, I know you don't want one."

"I know, it's okay," I replied, slightly glumly. It wouldn't be my first cast if I did have to have one, you couldn't be as clumsy as me and not break the occasional bone. I had experience of casts but that didn't mean I liked them, I much preferred the brace that I had been wearing.

"Did anything precipitate your fall?" he asked conversationally , as he wrote orders onto a chart.

"Not really, I was thinking about things and not really looking where I was going," I explained. Emmett had once joked that I couldn't walk and chew gum without falling down but there was truth in jest, as they say. I had to concentrate on walking in a straight line to avoid falling over and even then it wasn't guaranteed. I could far too easily trip over absolutely nothing.

Carlisle's question had brought the thought back to my mind, thinking of saying goodbye to my family, my friends. Thinking about it obviously showed in my face because Carlisle was looking closely at me, it was difficult to hide anything from vampires, their senses were just far too sharp.

"Is there anything worrying you, Bella?" he asked.

"No," I lied, trying to keep my voice even, "just my hand." I don't think that he believed me but he let it lie, at least for now.

"Let's get to X-Ray then. Do you want any pain relief before we go to Radiology?" he asked.

I thought about it for a second before I turned him down, it wasn't so bad, I did accept the ice pack he offered, I couldn't expect Carlisle to act as my personal and portable ice pack. I gently rested the ice pack against my hand and sighed slightly at the relief it brought. Carlisle insisted on coming with me to X-Ray, despite my assurances that I would be okay on my own.

"So does Edward know?" he asked as we walked down the hall.

"No. I managed to convince Alice to not to call him, she saw it or at least me deciding to see you."

"I'm sure he'll want to know," Carlisle said without accusation, making it clear that it was up to me whether I told him.

"I'll tell him later. If Alice calls him, he'll just rush back. There's no need for that, he's just too protective of me," I said, aware that the pain was making me irritable.

"He just wants to keep you safe."

"I know and I'm grateful. If it was my unknown friend or someone else after me, I'd want him right here but I tripped over my own feet in the street. I'm clumsy, Carlisle, I had plenty of trips to the ER before I moved to Forks."

It was true, I had been through more ERs than I cared to count, I even remembered the time a social worker and a doctor had talked to me about how I been hurt so frequently, it was clear that the ER staff thought that Renee was abusing me somehow. They had concluded that that wasn't the case, thankfully but it had been difficult for both Renee and I at the time.

"I'm sure that's true," Carlisle said but there was something in his tone that told me that he knew more than he was letting on.

"You've seen my medical records, right?" I asked.

"I got a copy sent from Pheonix, I noticed some healed breaks on your X-Rays after the van incident, I was intrigued so called the hospital for your records."

"Makes interesting reading I presume?" I asked, trying to inject some humour into my voice.

"You really are no stranger to the ER are you?"

"No, definitely not," I said, there was a time when I knew many of the ER staff in Phoenix due to my repeated visits.

On arriving in the Radiology department, I only waited a few minutes before being called in, I don't know if Carlisle had used his influence to get me to the top of the queue or if it was a slow day in the X-Ray department as well. Regardless of the reason behind it, I was back in the ER, Carlisle with an X-Ray envelope in his hand, quicker than I had on any other of the many occasions I had been in a variety of hospitals.

I followed him back into the small treatment room, I watched as he put the X-Ray up onto the light box and glance at it.

"How much damage did I do?" I asked him, he turned back to face me before answering.

"A bit," he admitted. "The fissure is more of a crack now, it's still not a full break and there's no damage to any of the other bones."

"Do I have to have a cast?" I sighed, I had done some more damage as I had suspected.

"No. I think you'll still be fine in the brace, it will be painful for a few days though. Take Tylenol for the pain if you need to. You need to be careful with it though, otherwise it will be a cast."

"Thank you," I said grateful, I really didn't want a cast.

"As before, you have to promise to keep the brace on and I'll have another look at it in about three weeks. If you can manage to go that long without causing any more damage."

He refitted the brace to my hand, he did it in such a way that I barely felt it, despite how tender my hand was.

"You're so strong, Carlisle, how can you be so gentle?" I asked, it was something else that had amazed me about the Cullens. It was also something I worried about

"It takes practice, to learn enough control. It's not easy and takes time, Emmett especially struggled with it. He still does if he gets very angry," he explained, somehow it made me feel better that Emmett still had issues after seventy years.

"Let me ask you something. Is there anything worrying about the deal we made?" he asked, sitting down on small stool. He didn't need to sit down, so I assumed it was to put us on the same level, so we could look each other in the eye.

"It's not the deal that's worrying me," I admitted honestly. It wasn't the deal that worried me, I was still sure about the changing, it was just the timescale that had given me reason to pause.

"But there's something, isn't there?" he asked gently.

"The other day, I realised the date, it was a week to graduation," I couldn't bear to look at him as I spoke.

I risked a glance at his face, he was smiling slightly, he finally understood my preoccupation.

"And that's what's been worrying you, the fact that we agreed that I would change you after graduation?" he asked.

It sounded slightly silly to me now, after hearing Carlisle say it out loud.

"Yeah, I guess," I mumbled, slightly embarrassed.

"There's nothing wrong with being nervous about this. It's a big change you'd be making, it's a lot to give up, of course you will gain a lot as well. But it is a permanent change, once it's started, it is very difficult to stop, as I'm sure you recall. I won't change you unless you are completely sure."

"But I am sure about it, about Edward," I said, slightly defensively.

"I know you are, I know this is what you want and I wouldn't even consider changing you if I wasn't sure you fully understood what it meant. Just because we talked about after graduation months ago, doesn't mean we need to do this the day after. A day, a week, a month, a year, when you're ready and you've said the goodbyes you need to, then we can. I also think it would be unwise of us to rush into this when we are still so unsure of who is after us."

I liked the way he said 'us' included me with the rest of his family, it made me smile slightly.

"I won't do anything that will put any member of my family, you included, in any more danger, even if it means reneging on my pledge and waiting a few weeks."

"I wouldn't do anything that would put any of you in danger," I said, I'm not sure if I could stand it if any of them got hurt, especially if they were only fighting to protect me.

"Of course you wouldn't but I know you will want to do what you can if this turns out to be more serious than think, if it comes to a fight. As a newborn, you won't be able to help much, you would likely put us at more protecting you in that condition that as a human. I'm sure it won't come to that, though," he said with such certainty that I almost believed him.

I knew it would be difficult as a newborn, that much of who I am would be temporarily lost to the thirst, that I would be incredibly strong but lack the control needed to use that strength properly. I wasn't looking forward to that part, to not being so consumed by my base instinct for drink that I would barely know myself, let alone Edward.

"I understand why you don't want to discuss this with Edward, he worries about taking you away from your human life, as do I, but I understand why it has to be this way. I'm glad you spoke to me about this," he said.

"I think you dazzled me into telling you," I complained . He looked confused at what I had said, though he must have noticed the effect he had on people.

"You know, the way you look at some poor human so that they spill their innermost secrets without meaning or wanting to. Edward has been known to use it to his advantage, especially when we first met. I'm getting immune to him but I guess you can still dazzle me." Carlisle's laugh was loud and warm.

"I have found the ability to 'dazzle' people both a blessing and a curse at times. But in this case, I'm pleased it worked, though it wasn't my intention."

"I guess I'm pleased you dazzled me too. It feels better having said it, having discussed it with you. Edward said you wouldn't change me until I was ready but I was worried you would change my mind if you knew about this."

"Bella, the only thing that could make me change my mind is if you or Edward weren't so sure about each other and I know that is not going to happen. Nerves and even some panic from you are to be expected, I would be more concerned if you weren't worrying about saying your goodbyes."

I was relieved beyond words at the fact that Carlisle didn't think my nerves enough reason to back out, he even considered them normal.

"While Edward may well find out about your latest mishap, he doesn't need to know about what else we have discussed, this is between you and I. To that end, I will endeavour to control my thoughts of this conversation around him, though I hope you understand if I am unable to do so."

"Of course," I said, he seemed genuine in his wish to keep this from Edward. "I'm frequently pleased that he can't read my mind, it means I can still have some secrets from him."

"When he's not dazzling you into spilling them," he joked.

"When he's not dazzling me," I agreed.

"Please think you can talk to me about this further if you want to," he offered.

"Thanks, Carlisle. I feel better actually," I said honestly. Admitting what had been worrying me to Carlisle and discussing it had made things easier for me.

"I'm pleased to hear that. I would normally say, try to stay out of trouble to give your hand time to heal but I feel I would be fighting a losing battle with that warning," he said, the edge of humour clear in his voice.

"I promise to try at least," I replied, laughing slightly myself.

"If you could," he said as I stood and walked towards the door.

Typically, I stumbled before I reached the door, thankfully Carlisle was at my side to catch me before I could fall and do any more damage. We just looked at each other and laughed slightly. I really hoped I made a more graceful vampire than I did human, though that wouldn't be hard. I thankfully managed to make it out of the hospital without further incident.

"Thank you for looking at my hand and for listening," I said, as I said goodbye to Carlisle at the door.

As I walked outside, I was surprised to see Alice sitting on the hood of her yellow Porsche, which she had parked illegally in the ambulance bay.

"I thought you weren't supposed to drive that around town," I said, indicating the car, though I was pleased to see her.

"Well I'm not, but what Edward doesn't know won't hurt him. And anyway my choices were seriously limited, it was this or Edward's Aston Martin, all the others are being used. Carlisle didn't put you in a cast then?" she commented, looking at the brace on my hand.

"As if you didn't already know that before you arrived," I said, feeling lighter than I had in days.

"You're in a good mood for someone who's just left the ER, your hand must still hurt," she observed, it was obviously clear that I was happy.

"Carlisle really is an excellent doctor," I replied.

She shrugged, knowing that she wouldn't get any more out of me, I was surprised that she hadn't seen our conversation, maybe my decision to tell him what had been concerning me was too much of a snap decision for it to register with her. Regardless of the reason, she seemed happy not to discuss it further. She slid of the hood and then gracefully folded herself into the driver's seat of the sleek car.

"Do you think Edward would be angry if we took a road trip," she mused, gently stroking the steering wheel.

"Probably," I answered. "He might even take the car off you," I threatened. I really wasn't up for a road trip, though any trip with Alice would likely be an experience to remember.

"You're right," she said, thinking about losing her shiny new car. "Home then?" she asked.

I didn't respond but leant back in the seat, smiling despite the terrifying speed that Alice drove back to the Cullen's house.

*~*

_Any and all feedback gratefully received._

_Thanks for reading_


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